She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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