Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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