Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
