you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
