im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
