You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
