u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
These tits shall not be calmed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
