cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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