Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
