What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
