dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.