My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.