i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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