How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
