Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
