are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
