My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
