I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
