Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
