NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
