About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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