So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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