I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
