i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My penis needs a shock collar
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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