i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
