Dude my mom stole all your condoms
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
