Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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