I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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