Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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