i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you inspire me to be a worse person
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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