I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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