i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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