Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
