i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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