Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
