I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
How external is "for external use only"?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
