you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
