Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And then my night got REAL pukey
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
