Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
