I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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