It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
