I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
