no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
