My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
