The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
