3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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