I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize