I met the friendliest cop last night
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
