So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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