did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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