when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
