I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
