Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just forgot I was standing up.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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