Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
