threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
