I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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