Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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