I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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