I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
