Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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