McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
