yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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