You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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