I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
