what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
