that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
