we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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