worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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