i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
