My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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